cold, confused distress, lonely

horn

holidaytime

so here i
am.

i would call it
a broken home
if i could ever call it home in the first place
(which i'm still unsure)

i got my master bedroom
in the domain where i only can master
subduing despondency

maybe he just catalyzes
such smothering
eclipsing a sun and
not letting go

restraining with denial
i don't forget
(to think that anyone would, ha.)

the leaves are warming now
burnt texan orange and
maple red

i guess this means holidays
christmas lights
and red starbucks cups
maybe a little eggnog and
mistletoe here and there.

holidays are nice
with loved ones
happiness.

and to spend them here
holiday spirit isn't allowed to live
i'm glad i get to spend half my time out of here
or else my soul would just be
an empty shell, just like yours.

remember that one christmas?
of course you don't.

food matters most to me
not in a material way
but in the everythingelseinlifesucksbutyourestillthere
way.

christmas dinner
i was young.

there's a nice array
bountiful spread of rich foods
from the far east and the close west
and you and whoever she was
got to chowdown
be full
be merry

and i didn't know any better
but all i got was some instant ramen

a childhood christmas.

thankful

• one true immediate family member
• opportunities
• middle class wealth
• intellect to a certain degree
• luck
• best friends a man could ask for
• a full head of thick, black hair
• relative good health
• acceptable athleticism
• being loved
• to love
• a hand to hold
• french horn
• mellophone
• pacific sunsets
• photographs
• safe neighborhood
• poetry
• favorite pair of black jeans
• respect
• roof over my head with love underneath
• westwood village
• passion
• half a blood-related family to love
• public buses
• rich soul food
• forrest gump
• emotion
• ocean avenue
• ice packs
• hot showers
• the bluffs
• pali high marching band
• plain white t-shirts
• laundry machines
• famima
• height
• tea
• bejeweled blitz
• daily news
• live music
• sunscreen
• youtube
• sidewalks
• zankou
• duffel bags
• you, you, and especially you.

that warm, fuzzy feeling.

i could

write a million love poems of

cloud-nine adjectives

and heartwarming predicates

and i'm

probably even doing it now

without really realizing it

but i want to talk about loneliness

i want

to talk about loneliness and

how it's so familiar

that to lack it

makes me inexplicably happy.

III

Three days..

Three days..

Three days..

i will not fall down this trap.

surround me with the rush of angels' wings

shine your light, so i can see you
pull me up, i need to be near you

it's that one rock you can't get out of your shoe

After getting through today, just have some major working tonight, then this week's gonna be good. Naptime now.

All I ask of this week though, is for more improvement in my health. Everything else will come with it.

can't express how much i wish could be with the band right now

bring it on, palisades.

summer of '69

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7B8M5b4ayes&hd=1

I love how upbeat and summery and California livin' the song and video is. And where its shot, on the Santa Monica coast, just connects with me.

Incredible summer memories there, right off Ocean Avenue.

Sickly Days

So I get this weekend all to myself. The opposite of what I wanted, but I guess thats what life does to you sometimes. Just me, myself, lots of rest, and a mountain of makeup work. No last home football game of the season, no first competition, no reuniting with some people that I don't like going a week without seeing (but then again, I'm a spoiled kid). My health really frustrates me, but I'm determined to get healthy and stay that way. I'm going for the longterm.

By Monday, I'm going to be ready to get back to life.

By next Saturday, I'm going to be ready to put on that shako, lace up the Dinkles, and play my heart out at Granada. And I can't wait.

I'm gonna be with you, Pali Band, in spirit this Saturday. Go show em all of our hard work and how proud we are of our show. Represent. I miss you guys.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u308CkEs_ms

i want to be healthy.